


The Horny Adventure

by caitwritesstuff



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Bottom Victor Nikiforov, Established Relationship, Fantasy Creatures, M/M, Oneshot, Sorcerer Victor, Witcher AU, comedic sexual mishaps, warrior yuuri, yea its that, you know that one scene in the witcher where they do the do on a stuffed unicorn?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 00:44:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caitwritesstuff/pseuds/caitwritesstuff
Summary: When the kingdom's civil war started, husbands Yuuri and Victor were separated by battlefields and quests for more than a year. They've finally made it back to each other and they spend the night reconnecting . . . on top of a stuffed unicorn.





	The Horny Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> I blame the LLYBB discord for enabling me.

The great element beast groans and rumbles forward, swinging sloppily at Yuuri’s head. Had he not skillfully ducked and rolled away from the bulbous rock monster, Yuuri might be without a head at this very moment. From a safe distance Victor casts spell after spell, sending great sparks of lightning straight at the creature, aiding in Yuuri’s effort to take the monster down.

With a great war cry and a hefty swing of his silver sword, Yuuri slices through the elemental beast. The beast lets out a pained groan and collapses into a pile of rubble on the ground. Yuuri pants with exertion and sheaths his sword for the time being. No doubt they would eventually find _something else_ that wants to kill them in no time but for now Yuuri had a chance to catch his breath.

. . . Or not.  

As one last fuck you from the long dead druid that built this labyrinth, the gates leading to their escape slam shut and dungeon fills with a poisonous gas. Yuuri coughs and covers his mouth to prevent the toxins from burning his throat any more than it already has.

“Teleport us out of here, Victor!” Yuuri commands. Victor rushes to Yuuri’s side and grabs hold of his shoulders. As always he was perfectly calm even in the face of death, not a hair out of place. Maybe a few new tears in his court-worthy clothes but he could be dressed in a burlap potato sack and all the courtiers would applaud his impeccable taste in fashion.

Dear lord this man would drive up the price of potato sacks in a heartbeat.

“Think of a place, Yuuri. Quickly!” Victor prompted. Of course when it mattered most, every location in the kingdom that Yuuri has ever traveled to flew out of his memory. Yuuri blinked, looking over Victor for any sort of clue as to where the sorcerer wanted them to end up.

Yuuri’s eyes trail down and he takes note that Victor’s shirt has a single long rip slashed across his chest. The wound that was once probably there had long since been healed by Victor’s magic but now that rip was left exposing a large expanse of his pale chest. In the search of a location for them to teleport to, Yuuri’s mind definitely wanders to think of the room where they’ve spent many nights making hot passionate love.

“Yuuri!” Victor scolds, snapping his fingers in front of Yuuri’s face to pull him back to reality. “Is this really the time?”

“Sorry!” Yuuri apologizes, wrapping his arms around Victor in a tight hold, fully preparing himself for the nauseating journey Victor’s teleportation would bring. “I’m ready!”

“Hold on tight!” Victor calls, holding onto Yuuri tightly. The bright flash of a teleportation hole appears on their left, sucking the couple in. Yuuri clenches his eyes shut and buries his head into Victor’s chest. In reality the teleportation took a fraction of a second but Yuuri would never get used to how nauseating it is to travel this way.

They reappear in Victor’s chambers, far away from the dungeon and any sort of poisonous gas that might end their lives prematurely. Yuuri stays clutched in Victor’s embrace, just feeling the stable ground beneath his feet and thanking the gods that he didn’t immediately throw up upon landing.

“Yuuri, you can open your eyes now. We’re safe,”” Victor reassured, cupping his hand gently to Yuuri’s cheek. Yuuri nods, slowly opening his eyes to a spinning world. Soon enough though his vision settled back to norm and there his husband was with that cocky smirk of his.

“Thank you . . . for bringing us back safely,” Yuuri thanks, stepping out of Victor’s hold.

“You know for a being such a revered warrior, you have an amusing aversion to teleportation.” Victor teased, tapping his index finger on Yuuri’s nose.

“Not all of us are as in love with magic as you are,” Yuuri pouted, pushing away Victor’s finger. Victor shrugged nonchalantly and waved off Yuuri’s accusations.

“So long as I end up in your bed at the end of the night, do you really care if I have a love affair with my own magic?” Victor winked playfully. Yuuri shook his head and rolled his eyes at his husband.

“You know I’ve never taken issue with your magic, Vitya.” Yuuri reasoned. Victor smiled sadly and looked down to toy with the hem of his short.

“You’re one of the few good men left in this world, Yuuri Katsuki.” Victor sighed.

Silence fell between them, the air thick with the tension that was born from their being separated for nearly a year. Long ago they had both been summoned to different parts of the kingdom to perform their respective duties. Their separation was only supposed to last for a few weeks, a month tops, but with the great civil war breaking out they were both caught on the wrong sides of the battlefields, unable to return to each other until this very quest when the Jarl summoned them both to perform what should have been a menial task.

All those nights Yuuri spent curled up in a cold camp bedroll he was thinking and praying for his husband’s safety. He wrote numerous unsent letters in the light of a flickering campfire, worrying over Victor, imploring him not to do anything stupid or brash. Yuuri knew Victor was a very capable sorcerer but no matter how long they were married there would always be that lingering worry in his heart when they were separated like this.

There was so many things he’s wanted to say for so long.

“It seems I’ve torn my shirt,” Victor pouts before sighing, “I should go mend it.” He says, already walking towards the vanity pushed to the corner of their room.

“ _You_ know how to sew?” Yuuri asks because for all the time he’s known Victor, he’s never once known the sorcerer to do work that he could simply pay other to do . . . or fix with magic. This is the same man that closes doors with magic instead of walking the two steps to close it with with his hands. Victor is what many common men would call a trivial magic abuser.

Victor gasps and holds his hand over his heart in shock, “I’m offended Yuuri. I was going to enchant a needle. Who do you think I am? A tailor? _Please._ ” He says before storming off to the other room with a haughty little upturned nose.

Yuuri shakes his head in amusement and loosens the buttons on his shirt. He follows Victor into the bedroom where the man already stands nearly naked in nothing but a black thong watching over an enchanted needle that is tirelessly working away on the shirt that was hopelessly torn by beasts and warriors alike. Why the sorcerer also chose to take off his pants, Yuuri has no earthly idea.

Well he has _some_ idea. Their marital bed is but a few feet away and Yuuri is well aware that no matter what happens tonight, they’ll inevitably fall into that very bed, naked if Victor no doubt gets his way.

Even if the rest of the world might fear Victor for his unpredictability, Yuuri know the man down to his very soul.   

Victor hasn’t noticed Yuuri enter the room yet, or more the more likely scenario is that he has and is giving Yuuri a well needed moment of peace after such a hairy battle. The stone wall of the castle chambers silenced the world around them, even the footsteps of Yuuri’s brothers in arms guarding the castle can’t be heard from inside the heavy carved doors and thick stone walls. It was like they had the castle all to themselves.

That thought alone is enough to put lewd thoughts into Yuuri’s head, never mind Victor’s current state of undress.

Yuuri approaches Victor and wraps his arms around the sorcerer’s bare waist from behind and rests his lips against the curve of Victor’s neck.

“I missed you,” Yuuri murmurs against Victor’s skin. Victor leans his head back and rests his head comfortably against Yuuri’s shoulder.

“I missed you too, Yuuri. Let’s agree to never be apart for this long ever again.” Victor proposes, placing a small kiss underneath Yuuri’s jaw. Yuuri smiles a warm, comfortable, smile to himself.

He’s missed this, the small domestic moments the most.

“I could always use a resourceful sorcerer by my side,” Yuuri reasons.

“Is that all you could use?” Victor purred in that way that Yuuri knew all too well. His body had a trained response to that purr and subsequent glance over the shoulder and Victor knew that all too well.

As if to prove that thought Victor pushes his hips back and ran his hand down the length of Yuuri’s body, coming to rest at the curve of Yuuri’s hip. Yuuri brushes his hand across the flat plane of Victor’s stomach. In response, Victor closes his eyes and sighs, gripping Yuuri’s hip a little tighter.

Little minx.

“We should go update the Jarl on our progress.” Yuuri reasons unconvincingly, brushing his lips lightly along the column of Victor’s neck. .

“The Jarl can wait.” Victor insists, perhaps a little too forcefully. Yuuri can’t blame him, “I haven’t held my husband in a year. Let me have this just tonight.” He practically pleads.

Yuuri’s playful resolve weakens because, gods, he’s missed holding Victor too. This god damn war has kept them on opposite sides of the kingdom for long enough. Yuuri looks forward to the day they can retire to the forest and spend the rest of their days just hunting monsters and demons into their old age.

A relaxing retirement, indeed, but first they had a war to end. Tonight they would have to savor every moment they had together. After this, who knows how long it would be until they would be reunited again.

Yuuri hooks his arms underneath Victor’s thighs and effortlessly lifts him up. A knowing smirk spreads across Victor’s face and he wraps his long legs around Yuuri waist, securing himself tightly to Yuuri. Yuuri awkwardly walks over to the nearest surface, Victor’s trifold vanity, and sets him down on the desk.

“No more words.” Victor whispered, his breath brushing across Yuuri’s lips.

“No more words.” Yuuri agreed, at last succumbing and letting their lips collide into a desperate kiss, pent up from a year of separation and sexual frustration. Yuuri’s fingers threaded into Victor’s silver hair and, had this been any other day, he would be embarrassed about getting so worked up from just a kiss but this wasn’t just any day. Today is the day that he will finally get to make love to his husband after only getting by with his own hand for a year.

Yuuri pulls back for the briefest of moments to catch a quick breath and his eyes catch that Victor’s gaze is fixed beyond Yuuri to a point across the room. Yuuri pulls back fully and frowns in confusion.

“What . . .” Yuuri starts to ask, looking behind him to see what had Victor so distracted. Then he saw _it,_ “No. Oh no. No, no, no. You _do not_ still have that thing.” Yuuri shook his head adamantly.

There, in the corner of the room, just beyond their bed where it definitely wasn’t there just moments ago is a stuffed unicorn. Not a small child’s toy like you may be imagining, no, this was a real unicorn that had died and for whatever ungodly reason had been taxidermied, and even more inexplicably, Victor had actually bought this god awful thing.

What’s even worse is that Yuuri willingly agreed to have sex with his husband on this monstrosity before in the past.

“Please Yuuri?” Victor pleaded sweetly, “I missed you so much, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor said, wrapping his arms around Yuuri’s neck and pulling every trick he knew after many years of marriage to butter Yuuri up. And the sad thing is that it’s definitely working. Yuuri could quickly feel his resolve against performing his marital duties on a dead unicorn slipping.

“ _Yuuri_ ,” Victor pouted, nuzzling his nose into Yuuri’s collarbone.

Yuuri is a weak man.

“Fine,” Yuuri relented, “But we’re burning this damn thing after.”

“I think not.” Victor insisted confidently, leaning forward and pressing a sweet thankful kiss to Yuuri’s lips.

Stubborn brat. But Yuuri wouldn’t love him any less for it.

“This discussion isn’t over.” Yuuri warned against Victor’s lips. Victor grinned triumphantly against Yuuri’s kiss. Yuuri begrudgingly takes his husband’s hand and guides them toward the horny monstrosity that he swore long ago he would never mount again.

The things he does for his husband.

Seeing as how he was really going to go through with this, Yuuri braces his hands on the unicorn’s back and mounts the stuffed beast just like any other mount and extends his hand out for Victor. Smiling the cat that ate the canary, Victor clasps Yuuri’s offered hand and Yuuri lifts him with one strong movement so that his husband now sat astride the unicorn facing him.

Victor’s smile slips into something more tender and heartfelt and he brings his hand up to cup Yuuri’s cheek. Yuuri leaned forward and connected their lips in slow, unrushed movements. They have all night for hot passion and teeth knocking, for now Yuuri wanted to take his time memorizing every minute detail of this moment.

“I missed you,” Victor offered, leaning back against the curve of the unicorn’s neck. Yuuri followed the movement, slotting himself between Victor’s dangling legs. How many cold nights has Yuuri anticipated this exact moment? Finally being able reunite with his husband, his body fitting so nicely against his like they had never parted in the first place.

“I missed you too,” Yuuri choked, an emotional lump in his throat hitching his speech.

“Hey,” Victor cooed, stroking away a loose tear that Yuuri hadn’t even noticed stained his cheek, “We’re together now. Like it or not you’re stuck with me now, warrior.” Victor said, echoing words uttered by him during a time where their relationship was more . . . begrudging.  

Once upon a time they had been just a sorcerer and a warrior with no reason whatsoever to cross paths. Throw in a common goal and a few plot twists that kept driving them together and years later wary foes turned allies are now happily married astride a stuffed unicorn.

It’s been a long journey.

“Watch yourself witch, or I just might have to sheath my sword inside of you.” Yuuri flirted, leaning forward and framing his arms on either side of Victor’s head. A spark of mischief sparkled in Victor’s eye and Yuuri watched as he clearly struggled to contain his glee.

“Is that a promise, warrior?” Victor asked with an air of false innocence. Yuuri has seduced the man under him enough to know there isn’t an innocent bone anywhere in Victor Nikiforov’s body.

As if to accent that known fact of the universe, Victor’s hand begins to wander deviously close to the closures of Yuuri’s trousers. The little minx grins and runs a slow finger along the outline of Yuuri’s quickly hardening shaft.  Yuuri can’t help the shiver that runs up his spine.

Gods, it’s been too long.

“Well?” Victor raises an eyebrow as he continues to stroke Yuuri through his trousers, stroking more confidently the longer Yuuri refuses to answer. Yuuri has to bite his lip to contain the needy grown he felt building in his chest.

“A Katsuki guarantee.” Yuuri groans. Victor chuckles and ceases his torturous teasing. He leans up and presses a sweet kiss to Yuuri’s cheek.

“A promise good as gold,” Victor smiles, “Well, if you’ll allow a dead man’s last wish you, good sir, are wearing far too much clothing.” Victor purred, playing at the edges of the collar of Yuuri’s shirt.

“I could say the same about you,” Yuuri points out, hooking his thumb through the thin string of Victor’s black thong and letting it snap back onto the skin of his narrow hips. Yuuri was secretly satisfied when his husband let out a small cry of surprise.

“I ought to turn you into a pig, warrior.” Victor threatened playfully narrowing his eyes.

“Just do the thing, Vitya.” Yuuri rolled his eyes. Victor huffed and with a wave of his hand, their clothes dissolved in snowflakes of blue light. Yuuri never knew _where_ his clothes went but eventually they always ended up back in the basket of soiled clothing intended for the washboard.

But clothes were the last thing on Yuuri’s mind right now.

With their clothes immaterialized into the Nether, Victor insatiable succubus side rears it’s head at full force. He hooks his arms around Yuuri neck and pulls the full force of Yuuri’s weight down on top of him. Yuuri lets out a muffled undignified sound of surprise into Victor mouth but easily melts into Victor’s hungry lips, moaning around his mouth when his husband swipes his tongue along Yuuri’s lower lip.

“Mmmm . . . _vkusno.”_ Victor purrs, licking his lips with a lewd gleam in his eyes.

“You’re far too chatty for someone who’s about to be begging and pleading for release.” Yuuri criticized, trailing hot open mouthed kisses down Victor’s neck. Victor giggles and arches his neck to the side to give Yuuri better access.

“Oooh, he’s bold tonight.”  He teased. Yuuri narrowed his eyes and landed a light smack on the soft fleshy part of Victor’s ass while grinding his hard cock against his husband’s. Victor threw his head back and let out a strangled moan, his hand reaching to provide some desperate stimulation to the head of his cock.

That seemed to shut him up.

Yuuri goes all in on lavishing the pale expanse of Victor’s neck and chest with a series of love bites that dotted his skin like a work of art. Somewhere along the way Victor lost all traces of his previous cheekiness in lieu of taking both of their members in his hand and stoking them in tandem while Yuuri worked on getting his husband to a point where he was gasping and wantonly moaning Yuuri’s name.

Victor had his legs securely wound around Yuuri’s waist, one hand jacking them off, the other grasping and digging at Yuuri’s back. Yuuri is more than happy to bear the wounds his husband is not doubt giving him with pride. If he could he could walk around the Jarl’s obnoxiously extravagant fortress without a shirt on, showing off to all the courtiers who he belonged to, he would. Victor would certainly have a smug grin glued to his face knowing that he put those scratches there in the throes of passion, seen by others or not.

“Ah! Yuuri!” Victor cries out, his hips bucking upwards and subsequently causing the sensitive head of cock to brush against the fine hairs that trailed down Yuuri’s lower stomach. Victor shivered in uncontained pleasure, his eyes meeting Yuuri’s just long enough for Yuuri to see the wrecked pleading look in the sorcerer’s eyes. “Please, Yuuri, my husband, I need you. _Please.”_

Yuuri leans forward and connects his lips with Victor’s, his mouth swallowing Victor’s needy whimpers. Yuuri strokes Victor’s long silver locks soothingly before his hands come to rest in the mane of the unicorn, framing Victor’s face on either side of his cheeks.

“I know, I know,” Yuuri sympathized soothingly. “I need to prepare you first, my love. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Yuuri reaches his hand down, circles Victor’s entrance, and slowly inserts his index finger only to find that his finger slipped in with ease.

Holy shit. Victor already prepared himself.

Yuuri has to contain the wave of lust that rolls through him at the thought of his husband fucking himself onto his fingers with abandon, all the while looking forward to the night he would share with Yuuri in just a few short hours.

When did he find time to do this? The only time Yuuri wasn’t with him was early this morning, before they had reunited for the quest. That means . . . Sweet gods was Victor wearing a plug during battle?

“I’m ready, Yuuri. Take me,” Victor purred seductively. In that moment Yuuri wanted nothing more than to plunge right into Victor’s tight hole but restrained himself he wasn’t an absolute heathen. Victor still needs a little more working so that this could be a pleasurable experience for them both.

“Where’s the oil, Vitya?” Yuuri asked, sucking at the pulse point on Victor’s neck.

“The horn,” Victor gasped out. Yuuri pulls back and frowns in confusion.

“What?” Yuuri asked.

“The oil is in the horn,” Victor repeated, motioning backwards to the unicorn’s horn.

“You’re kidding.” Yuuri deadpans.

“Yuuri, I swear to the gods . . .” Victor warned impatiently, his hand reaching down to provide some stimulation to his straining cock.

“Fine, fine.” Yuuri relented. He reached over Victor and sure enough the unicorn’s horn lifted with ease revealing their trusty bottle of pleasure oils sitting inside the hollowed out horn. ”Why?” Yuuri asked.

“I read in a scroll that adding unicorn horn powder to oils makes everything more . . . _intense_.”

“Is that true?” Yuuri asked skeptically

“Want to find out?” Victor teased playfully.

As it would turn out that scroll Victor referenced wasn’t kidding in the very least. Yuuri doesn’t know if maybe Victor got the proportions off because soon after Yuuri slathered his cock liberally with the concoction, his entire body buzzed with electricity and even the breeze from the window seemed to set his nerves on fire. Even stretching Victor with well lubricated fingers seemed to be overstimulating for the both of them.

When Yuuri finally pushed his cock into Victor, it took all of his willpower not to come immediately. The unicorn laced oil made it so Yuuri could feel _everything_ and it was all a bit overwhelming. He could feel every minute sensation of Victor wrapped around his cock from the ever so slight muscle twitches of Victor’s entrance, to the pulsing heat of his velvet soft inside, even Victor’s breath whooshing past Yuuri’s ear seemed to set off his senses.

Yuuri thrusted gently inside of Victor, taking care to savor every mewl and breathless cry for more coming from his wrecked husband. Yuuri didn’t know if it was the unicorn oil or the fact that neither of them have made love in a year but Yuuri was hyper aware of every detail of this moment.

“Yuuri!” Victor cried, rocking his hips forward to meet Yuuri’s thrusts. Yuuri braces his hands underneath Victor’s hips and tilts them ever so upward, knowing that the new angle would let him hit places that would make Vitya writhe in pure unadulterated pleasure. After years of marriage Yuuri knew Victor’s body better than he knew his own.

“Fuck!” Victor cried out, throwing his head back and accidently hitting his head against the hard neck of the stuffed unicorn, causing his poor husband to wince in mild pain. Yuuri chuckled at Victor’s misfortune but his laughter quickly dissipated into a long moan. Laughing was not helping with Yuuri’s sensitivity.

“Please Yuuri! Harder _solnyshko!”_ Victor’s cries become more desperate as Yuuri thrusts harder into him, paying special attention to hitting the spot Yuuri knew would drive him crazy with need. Yuuri obliges Victor’s every moaning request.

“Ow, ow, ow,” Victor’s face distorts into discomfort. Yuuri immediately ceased his thrusts and fretted over his beloved for any sign of injury.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Yuuri worried.

“I’m fine. It’s just . . . the hair from the unicorn is tearing up my skin.” Victor dismissively waved Yuuri off meanwhile rubbing soreness from his back. Without another word, Yuuri scoops Victor up and changes their position so that Victor was situated on his lap instead.

“Let’s try this,” Yuuri said, softly running his fingers through Victor’s hair. Victor smiles warmly and presses a soft lingering kiss to Yuuri’s reddened lips.

“You take such good care of me, my love,” Victor praises fondly.

“I’d do anything for you, Victor” Yuuri promises. Victor responds by throwing his arms around Yuuri’s neck and slowly rocking against him to build up their rhythm again. Soon enough they were fucking again like well . . . they haven’t fucked in over a year.

Yuuri’s fingers dug into Victor’s hips and he thrust hard up into him, chasing his fast approaching climax. From the sounds of Victor’s desperate cries he was nearing his release as well. They moved against each other like they had never spent a day apart, in perfect sync with the other’s wants and desires.  

No words were spoken, the only sounds filling the room were the sweet sounds of pleasure mixed with breathy sighs and the sounds skin colliding with the force of their lovemaking. As they approached their release, Yuuri’s thrusts grew more erratic and forceful.

They were both so caught up in the moment that neither of them noticed that with the force of Yuuri’s thrusts they had started shifting ever so slightly off the edge of the unicorn’s flank. With one particularly firm thrust Yuuri knocked them off balance and sent them tumbling off the unicorn and onto the hard stone floor below.

“Shit!” Yuuri cried as he landed painfully right on his tailbone. Yuuri groaned in pain and rolled onto his side to relieve the pressure off of his backside, the magic of the moment dissipating with the growing throb of Yuuri’s backside.

Yuuri hated that god damn glorified mutated horse.

Victor somehow managed to remain unharmed from the fall. As if the bruised tailbone wasn’t enough, Yuuri’s ego was bruised further when Victor burst into a fit of laughter.

“You . . . fucked us off the horse.” Victor got out between his giggles. Victor crawls over and lays down on Yuuri, slotted between his legs. Even if Victor was laughing at his expense he just looked so _happy_ with his chin resting on Yuuri’s chest, eyes sparking with amusement that there’s no way Yuuri could be mad at him.

“It’s a unicorn.” Yuuri argued stubbornly.

“Horse, unicorn, pegasus. . .” Victor dismissed

“- All very different beasts,” Yuuri interrupted.

“Either way you knocked us off through the power of our lovemaking.” Victor grinned proudly. Yuuri’s insides melted and all annoyance over the situation washed away. This man had a way with words that made Yuuri weak in the knees.

“Can we go to bed now? A _real_ bed?” Yuuri pleads, cupping Victor’s cheek tenderly.

“Would you like to finish what you started?” Victor reached up to whisper teasingly against Yuuri’s lips.

“As I recall, you’re the one who started it.” Yuuri reminded.

“Well _someone_ needs to finish tonight.” Victor teased lewdly. Yuuri narrowed his eyes and with one swift movement he was on his feet throwing Victor over his shoulder. Victor let out a small cry of delight which Yuuri responds with a swift smack to Victor’s firm, plush, ass.

Yuuri rushes them to their bed where they resume right where they left off and they continue making love all night long until their bodies are exhausted and purple light filters through the windows with pre-dawn light.

Of course, none of this changes the fact that Yuuri is burning that stupid unicorn come morning.   
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you want to talk about the logistic of fucking on top of unicorns or just want to chat, I'm over on tumblr @cait-writes-stuff


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